Why Men Hate Going to Church

Reason #37: It's all about safety

Women and older adults flock to church because it’s built around their values. But men and young adults skip church because most congregations ignore or vilify their values.

What do I mean? Studies show that men and young adults tend to be challenge oriented. Some of their key values are adventure, risk, daring, independence, change, conflict, variety, pleasure, and reward. Individuals in these groups are more likely to seek thrills, take chances, and accept dares. They want to be known as bold, adventurous, even dangerous among their peers.

On the other hand, studies demonstrate that women and older adults tend to be security oriented. Some of their key values are safety, stability, harmony, cooperation, predictability, protection, comfort, responsibility, support, and tradition. Individuals in these groups are more likely to play it safe, seek security, and avoid risk. They don’t mind being known as reliable, practical, and friendly among their peers.

Of course, there are exceptions to these generalizations. There are teens who play it safe and seniors who go bungee jumping. There are practical young men and dangerous old women. But considering the genders as a whole, women are more likely than men to gravitate to venues where they feel safe. And that’s what churches provide:  an anchor of stability, predictability, and tradition. In a dangerous and risky world the church is a sanctuary of safety and protection. In a world of conflict the church is a place of peace, harmony, and comfort. It’s the one place where nothing ever changes (and we are allowed to throw a fit if it does!)

Men and young people are B.O.R.E.D.: busyness, obligation, ritual, education, and duty are the pillars of modern church life. Our congregations can’t gain any traction with men and young adults because their adventurous spirits abhor the safety of the modern church. Even faithful, churchgoing men are dying because we’re not giving them the adventure they crave. We’re not talking about what’s preached and taught. The pastor may be offering stirring sermons, but the actual Christian life lived by most churchgoers is about as challenging as finger painting and as exciting as a bologna sandwich.

When it comes to men, the modern church is dangling the wrong bait. There just aren’t as many security-oriented men as there are challenge-oriented ones. So the church catches fewer men.

Did Jesus intend for His church to become a place of security, free of risk, challenge, and adventure? Did Christ come to tame men or to set them free? Is Jesus looking for docile men or wild men? John Eldredge notes “I think most men in the church believe God put them on the earth to be a good boy.” Be safe. Uphold tradition. Keep your promises. Be nice.

Now, try this on: be dangerous. What if that were our message to men? If churchgoing held the prospect of risk, adventure, and daring, you’d have an abundance of men, teenagers, and young adults signing up. That’s precisely what we find in the persecuted church today. It was also the situation in the early church when Christians were routinely stoned, beaten, or fed to hungry lions. When it’s dangerous to be a Christian, men are more likely to count themselves in.

But today’s church is all about safety. What’s our top prayer request? “God, keep us safe. Keep our kids safe. Watch over us and protect us.” God’s job is to keep our well-ordered lives flowing smoothly.

If we want to shed our reputation as a place for little old ladies of both sexes, we must recapture the challenge of following Jesus. The Christian life is not about becoming a nicer person. It’s a quest. When men see other men living the adventure, they’ll want in. When young adults see church as the place to find abundant life (the challenging life), they will come back.

There are wise churches that are taking risks, dreaming big, and bringing a measure of adventure back to the Christian life. These churches are built on values that men can relate to. They set high standards and ask much of their members. Their people are encouraged to rock the boat, challenge one another, and take risks. In short, these churches have guts. The biblical translation of the word guts is “faith.” Read any book on church growth: the congregations that are reaching the unchurched are sticking their necks out and accomplishing great things. Men are drawn to churches (and Christians) with guts.

– An excerpt from Chapter 3 of the book, Why Men Hate Going to Church. © 2005.

Bill's back: O’Reilly Factor on May 6

In Matthew 10, Jesus promised his followers the opportunity to speak about him before governors and kings. This Friday I’m getting the extraordinary opportunity to talk to America about the problem of missing men as a guest on “The O’Reilly Factor,” which airs on the Fox News Channel at 8 and 11 p.m. Eastern time.

If you’re looking for a more indepth TV interview, tune in Thursday May 5 at 11 a.m. Eastern to “At Home Live” on FamilyNet TV. FamilyNet is an over-the-air broadcast service that’s picked up by Christian TV stations across the U.S.

Please join me in praying that men and women who need to hear this message would tune in. Pray that my words would be words of encouragement. Pray that thousands of men who’ve turned their hearts away from God because of church would read the book and find a band of brothers to run with. Finally, join me in claiming Christ’s promise in Matthew 10:20: For it won't be you doing the talking--it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. I pray that the viewers don’t see me, that they see Christ in a way they’ve never seen him before.

Great conversation on our message boards

If you’re looking for real stories from real people, visit our message boards. We feature honest, straightforward conversation. Nothing is taboo. Here is an example from our men’s forum (from an unidentified writer. All references to his location and denomination have been deleted). This man loves God, and is heavily involved in church, but every Sunday he becomes more discouraged. Here’s his story:

I have been a Christian for about 20 years now, and married for 15 of those. I have never really enjoyed going to church. I don't recall many times when I jumped up on a Sunday morning and said "Man, I am excited about going to church today!" I like to visit with my friends, but to sit through a church service on most Sundays is like dying a slow death. I have a Masters degree in Theology and have been an interim and youth pastor. I have been deeply involved in every church I have attended.

I currently live in (country deleted) and attend an (denomination deleted) church made up of missionaries and US military. I am deeply involved in the teaching ministries of this church. I have taught Master Life, Crown Financial Studies, organized and taught at men's retreats and marriage seminars. My wife and I have taught youth Sunday School classes and have organized several of our church activities.

I want to know and serve Christ with all my being, and throw myself whole-heartedly into being His disciple. I bought Mr. Murrow's book as an effort to try to figure out what is wrong with me. I have attended churches of varying denominations all my life, yet find them to be the same boring experiences. I have been told that I am at fault. If I could just hear God's voice, He would get ahold of me and I would enjoy Him. I do enjoy God. I don't enjoy church.

My wife and I had a great conversation yesterday. She read portions of the book and told me in a very reassuring tone that she now understands that I am not crazy. There is a problem in our churches.

I fear for my son. I do not want him growing up wandering through the desert of our churches. He is so full of life and the wonder of God. I fear the church will beat that out of him.

Mr. Murrow, your book is a blessing. I know you will catch heck for it, but you are right on target. Press on!

Study finds church is good for men

A study by the Heritage Foundation found that churchgoers are more likely to be married and express a higher level of satisfaction with life. Church involvement is the most important predictor of marital stability and happiness. It moves people out of poverty. It’s also correlated with less depression, more self-esteem, and greater family and marital happiness. Religious participation leads men to become more engaged husbands and fathers. Teens with religious fathers are more likely to say that they enjoy spending time with their dads and that they admire them.

Church involvement is good for men. But since when do men do what’s good for them? Men regard churchgoing like a prostate exam; it’s something that can save their lives, but it’s so unpleasant and invasive, they put it off. Others see the worship service as their weekly dose of religion, a bitter elixir one must swallow to remain healthy, but not something to look forward to.

So men avoid church—and suffer for it. Men are more likely than women to be arrested, die violently, commit and be victims of crimes, go to jail, and be addicted. They also die more often on the job, have more heart attacks, commit suicide in greater numbers, and live shorter lives than women.

Church for Men is dedicated to making America’s churches places where men – real men – can encounter the life-changing power of God in their lives. Join us, won’t you?

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