Why Men Hate Going to Church

Reason #13: We've forgotten our mission

Military base closures are in the news. The pentagon wants to shutter hundreds of installations around the nation, in order to plow the savings into beefed-up national security.

But local communities don’t want to lose the bases. They depend on these posts to buoy their local economies, provide jobs and enhance prestige. The moment the list was announced, governors and senators rushed to the microphones, pledging to “save our bases.”

But there’s a core truth that’s being lost here. The military exists for one purpose: to defend America against hostile enemies. It does not exist to provide jobs or prestige to localities. But these towns (and their supporters) seem to have forgotten that.

Our churches fall into a similar mindset. We forget our purpose: to make disciples of Jesus. The only valid measure of success is this: are people becoming more like Him?

However, in today’s church we measure success by the standards of a family reunion: how many people came and did everyone get along? Oh, we’re doing lots of good things. We comfort people. We provide worship services that help folks connect with God. We provide caring ministries. We provide teaching from God’s word and forums for personal expression. Nothing wrong with any of this.

But are we really fulfilling our purpose with men? Are men becoming more like Jesus through the ministry of the local church? Too often, the answer is no. In thousands of churches across the globe, men are going to church, but are not becoming more like the Master. Not even a little.

It’s time to recognize that our current model of church is not getting the job done for men. Less than 40% of the adults in our worship services male, and majority of men who do attend are not becoming more like Jesus. Up to 90% of the boys who grow up in our church system abandon it by the time they’re 20. We’re putting a lot of sweat into a system that’s not working. We should be on our knees, asking God two questions: “How do we reach men?” and “How can we change our church system to make that happen?”

I want to leave you with a threefold challenge. One, will you recommit yourself to the primary goal of the church: making disciples? Two, will you make changes to your church system, in order to make it more relevant to men and boys? And three, are you willing to slaughter some sacred cows to make it happen?

We assume the church’s greatest foes are external ones. But the very culture within our churches may be the biggest barrier to men’s transformation. 

Look for us on the newsstand

I’ve written articles for two magazines this month. Grab a copy of New Man and Ministries Today at your local Christian store. The article in New Man is titled, “Art Thou Bored” while the Ministries Today article runs under the headline, “Mild at Heart.” These articles are a condensed version of the message of Church for Men. Maybe you have a friend who hates to go to church (or hates to read books); pick up one of these magazines for him. I hear the New Man article is being used as a discussion starter in men’s groups around the country.

What about men who like church as it is?

I’m starting to get a little pushback from men who like church the way it is. Listen to the words of Ken:

Maybe if men would learn that it is not about them, but about our ministry for Jesus Christ, we would not have what you see as a crisis in Men's Ministry.  My manhood is not threatened by listening to a 20-minute sermon, holding a man's hand during prayer or even hugging another Christian Man.  I hope I misunderstand your newsletters and your ministry. But, frankly, I think you will eventually experience a backlash from men who do worship now, enjoy it and work daily for Christ. We don't need entertainment.  We need a place to go and work for God.

If this sounded strong, I don't apologize.  I am just a committed Christian man who leads a men's group that are all men leading our church and our families in worshipping our Lord. I also hold a MDiv from the Div. School at Duke so am not a novice to the church.

I do pray for your ministry and all ministries that work to grow our faith. I’m just not sure I agree with what you hold as truth. I think many men are using excuses, not commitment to our Lord.

I want to make something perfectly clear: if you’re a man who loves church just the way it is, that’s OK. In fact, it’s great. If you enjoy studying books, sharing your feelings or singing love songs to Jesus, that doesn’t make you a wimp.

My point is not to rebuke men who’ve developed a taste for modern Christianity. I know great men who have no problem sitting in a circle and sharing, holding hands with a neighbor, or singing love songs to Jesus. I’m merely pointing out that for a lot of men, these things feel feminine. Our default expression in today’s churches is feminine. This makes incoming men feel uneasy. Other men feel “outperformed” by women because they’re better at these things.

If you’re a guy who loves teaching Sunday school, putting on a choir robe or cooking for potlucks, that doesn’t make you a softie. Far from it: I applaud you. But don’t expect all guys to feel as you do. The point of my book is not to demonize the softer side of Christianity. Any man who would be whole must embrace both the tenderness and the wildness of the Savior.

So let’s call a truce: There’s nothing wrong with men who love church as it is. But don’t assume that men who are uncomfortable with church are making an excuse. Their anxiety is legitimate (at least as valid as the discomfort feminists have with masculine pronouns in hymns and scripture). When we give all men an opportunity to “give of their best to the Master” they will return.

Men, pickup trucks and risky behavior

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