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August 15, 2005

www.churchformen.com

Why men's ministry so often fails...

Women’s and children’s ministries flourish in practically every U.S. congregation, but few churches are able to establish or maintain a vibrant men’s ministry. For example, there are 35,000 United Methodist congregations in the U.S.  but only 6,000 offer a chapter of the United Methodist Men’s Organization.

Furthermore, most attempts to start a men’s ministry end in failure. Why is this?  Here’s an example of a typical men’s small group. See if you can figure out why it’s not growing:

Tony went to men’s small group at his church—once. First, the men sat in a circle and sang praise songs for about ten minutes. Tony was asked to introduce himself and share about his life. Next, he was paired with a stranger and asked to share one of his deepest fears. Then, everyone was asked to share a prayer need or a praise report. The men read from the Bible, taking turns around the circle. Finally, the men stood in a circle and held hands for what seemed like hours, while one by one they bared their souls to God. One man was quietly weeping. The guy next to Tony prayed for ten minutes straight, and his palms were sweaty. Once the meeting was over, Tony didn’t stay for cookies. He hasn’t been back.

Men’s ministry so often falters for this simple reason: it’s actually women’s ministry for men. When Christian men gather, they’re expected to relate like women and to enjoy the things women enjoy. Men’s ministry is built around the needs and expectations of women—or more precisely, the older, softer men who show up for men’s ministry events. So the men’s retreat features singing, hugging, hand holding, and weeping. Men sit in circles and listen, read, or share. We keep our conversations clean, polite, and nonconfrontational.

While there’s nothing wrong with men doing these things, it feels feminine to a lot of guys. So they stay home. I’ve heard the same thing whispered about Promise Keepers rallies: certain guys are turned off by the singing, clapping, hugging, and crying that go on there.

This is why men’s ministry tends to attract the sensitive guys and the older guys. These fellows are less concerned about projecting a masculine image to the world. By programming according to their tastes, we make younger, riskier guys disinterested in men’s ministry. Ironic, isn’t it: men’s ministry is driving away the very men we need most in the church!

 Sometimes men’s ministry fails because of the labels we’ve adopted. A few years ago I was invited to a “Men’s Purity Conference” at a local church. I did not attend. It sounded like they were trying to turn men into bars of soap. Men don’t want to be pure as snow: they want to be dangerous warriors for God’s kingdom.

Let me be clear: there are few issues more important to men than moral purity. But if that’s the goal we’re pointing men toward, we’re going to fail. Men must embrace moral purity as a means to achieve a higher goal. When we make purity a goal in itself, we lose men. Same when we make “personal holiness” or a “quiet time” or even a “passionate, intimate relationship with Jesus” the primary goal of Christianity. As men, we do these things only to prepare ourselves for the battle.

These distinctions may seem subtle, but they are vitally important. If we want to reach men, let’s start talking like men! Let’s create some men’s ministry that will attract younger, risk-taking men. of their lives.

Do you share this vision? If so, get involved. To learn how you can help, visit our join the cause page.

Big opportunities at Church for Men...

I have been given an amazing opportunity this week, and I need your prayers.

I’ve been invited to speak at Man in the Mirror’s National Men’s Ministry Leadership Summit in Orlando, FL August 18-20. I’ll be delivering the keynote address at lunch on Friday the 19th.  This conference, billed as a think tank for the next 10 years of ministry to men, will draw many of the top men’s ministry leaders from around the country.

This is a chance to spread the message of Church for Men to more than 75 of the most influential leaders in men’s ministry. Please put a prayer reminder on your calendar: pray for me on Friday, August 19 at noon EDT.

Another great opportunity: I’ve been corresponding with Kenny Luck, the men’s ministry leader at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA. He’s invited me to speak at a gathering of about 3,000 pastors to men in late January. I’ll write more when the details come into focus.

Here’s one more to pray about: I was interviewed for possible inclusion in Focus on the Family. Please pray that the team at Focus understands the urgency of this message to the future of the church, and includes coverage of the book in a future broadcast.

Jamaica gets the message

Mark Dawes, a journalist with the Jamaica Gleaner wrote a review of my book as a part of a series on missing men in the church. My inbox has been stuffed with e-mails from excited men all over the West Indies. Apparently, the problem of missing men is rampant in the Caribbean, but the book is not widely available there yet. If you’re planning a trip to Jamaica, take a couple extra copies with you.

Changing men's lives

Mike writes:

This book was like discovering myself for the first time. I now understand my reaction to the church and why I have never been able to become a "churchman" despite my desires.   I feel a lot better about myself and am not beating myself up nearly as much about not being able to interface with the modern church especially the older denomination I am now attending.  I still feel a close walk with God but the not giant, lumbering thing I go to on Sundays. 

Thanks for writing the book. You might say it has "changed my life" (have never said that to an author before) by letting me accept myself as I am rather than trying to feminize myself.

Changing women's lives

Robin from California writes:

I’m loving your book and I’m a woman!  I also lead the women’s ministry department of our large Southern California church.  Thankfully, we are somewhere between the challenging and comforting church you spoke about in chapter 5 of your book.  I’m encouraged by both your book and the leadership of our church.  We’ve only been around for 11 years so we’ve not had the time really to make loads of mistakes!

You might also be interested in knowing that my husband does not attend church with me – never has really – came from a Catholic background and is not comfortable in our evangelical Christian environment.  But more importantly, he’s a warrior.  He’s been a police officer for over 30 years in a major city and has served on the SWAT team for over 25 years.  He’s strong, courageous, loves to go to work and fight the battles, he’s athletic – all the things you talk about in your book – and not interested in attending a “sissy” church.  Although our church is strong on male presence and interest it’s still not enough for him. 

I suggested your book to our executive pastor and he too is reading it with great interest and fascination.  We’ve been comparing notes and marvel at how right on you are with your observations.  I’m excited about the possibility of changes in the future and that we’ll become a church where my husband can’t wait to attend.  I’m working to do my part in women’s leadership to support the direction of my pastors – I love the thrill of adventure!

To encourage you, I read a lot of books written for men. I’m curious what my husband thinks and what will ignite his interest in the things of God.  Your book is a gem – I put it right up there with Patrick Morley, Larry Crabb, John Eldridge and Michael Yaconelli.  Thanks for pulling back the veil on what’s really going on in the hearts of valiant men!

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